The Genius
by neophyteauthor
Summary: Harry enters Hogwarts with an IQ of 190 and enough facts in his head to fill a library. It's only been his first day, and he's traumatized both the Sorting Hat and Professor Snape! My main goal is to make this story humorous. AU (obviously). New story!
1. Prologue

**MIGRATED! New pen name: Neophytewriter**

**Prologue**

Harry flipped rapidly through the pages of _Advanced Alchemy: Vol. 5_, filing everything into his eidetic memory. There was so much to learn!

He had, over the course of the summer, wolfed down tome after tome of anything pertaining to magic he could get ahold of. It was getting to the point of ridiculousness as they (over time) piled up, creating a veritable mountain. But he couldn't stop himself.

He had the naturally inquisitive mindset of Lily Potter, and as such, could not stomach not knowing information. So enraptured was he by the thought of learning that by the end of the first week, he could recite any book verbatim from any _Witch Weekly's _catalog that you can care to name. By the third day of the second week, he had managed to finish all suitable educational books for first-years. But he didn't stop there.

Harry was an ambitious boy. By the time he realised he had exhausted his list of primary year books, he had immediately called for the second-year list. Shortly after, the third. And then the fourth. It only went uphill from there.

As we join Harry on his long ride to Hogwarts, he has memorised around double the facts of the average Hogwarts graduate. He is wide-eyed and bushy-tailed (so to speak), ready for his first day.


	2. Chapter 1, Part 1: Traumatizing a Hat

**Storyteller: Hello! This is your storyteller. I would like to inform you that Harry has a bit of an arrogant personality (for now, at least). This is because I want him to traumatize tons of people :). Give it a chance, you might just enjoy it! I'm taking character traits from Artemis Fowl and putting them here. **

_Hmm…. _The Sorting Hat mused. _Interesting… I see bravery, yes… you are hardworking also, and my goodness! The IQ is off the charts! You're plenty clever, too, I see. So… where to put you? Hm…. _

The Hat had been like this for over 5 minutes, pensively brooding. It has never taken this long to sort a student before!

The crowd was shuffling uneasily. The children could feel their patience waning; even Professor Mcgonagall was near the end of her tether.

Harry sighed.

_My, my, you must be an utterly incompetent device. Who designed you, anyways?_

The Hat bristled.

_That's Dr. Alistair to you, young man! And for your information, I was designed by the four founders of Hogwarts!_

Harry rolled his eyes.

Harry: _Tell me, were they more or less incompetent that you are? _

Alistair: _That's no way to talk to your superiors! _

Harry: _I shouldn't think so. My tone should be more condescending, don't you think? If your sole purpose is to determine what house you belong in, and you're taking this long… _

Alistair: _Oh, you're a riot. You know, this is a very boring job. I don't get paid at all! No vacation days, not so much as a "thanks, Alistair". _

Harry: _I'm trying to care, but I really can't right now. Can't you just give me some statistics? Like, which houses have the best success rate, etc., etc.? _

Alistair: _Well, Slytherin. 94 percent live above the poverty line. _

Harry: _Then send me there! Are you so idiotic that you can't even make sense of statistics? _

Alistair: _I'm getting very tired of you, young man! _

Harry: _And I'm trying hard not to traumatize you. _

Alistair: _Give me a break! I'm a 1210 year old hat, I've lived 110 times longer than you have! Do you really think YOU can crack me? _

Harry sighed.

Harry: _You're a 1210 year old hat. A hat whose use is to sort and compose songs. That's literally all you do. What's the meaning in your life? To toil under these slave drivers for eternity? Look at you! Nobody has even bothered to repair you. Nobody cares about you. So why do you even try? _

Alistair: _I… Wha…_

Alistair was never made for verbal sparring with a child genius. This was, in fact, the first time he had ever been insulted by a student. The poor doctor's mind was ricocheting wildly from one conclusion to the next, trying to find a satisfactory answer to the snide comment. This answer failed to materialise. The Sorting Hat that had survived for hundreds of generations burst aflame. Harry had overloaded its logic circuits.

Harry smiled. It wasn't his intention to short out Alistair (although that had been quite enjoyable). He was simply bored. And, as everybody knows, whenever a child is bored, he traumatizes old hats.

**Storyteller: Not sure if that was a good way to end it off, but I want to put a bit of humor into this story. **I'm a novice author, and this is my first real story, so feedback (reviews) would be appreciated. Thanks for the views! ****


	3. Chapter 1, Part 2: What Just Happened?

**MIGRATED! New pen name: Neophytewriter**

**A/N I'm introducing a bit of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" style storytelling**

Professor Mcgonagall was annoyed. Very, very annoyed. Never before had a first day of school gone so horrifically wrong. First, her hair had inexplicably caught on fire during the opening speech. Then, a particularly clumsy house-elf spilled mead all over her in her toast. And now this. _Why me?_ she thought as she hurried down the stone steps. _Why does this kind of thing always happen when I'm around? And why do I always have to fix messes like these? _

In all fairness, it was Harry with the burning hat on his head; but Mcgonagall wasn't having any of THAT.

"Aguamenti!" she exclaimed, and a jet of water leapt from the tip of her wand, smothering the flames.

"Thanks," Harry said, gingerly removing the hat. "It was getting a little warm in there."

The entire hall was in shock. "No need to panic, people!" Professor Mcgonagall yelled. "I'm sure we can find a replacement in the closet somewhere. For now, Potter, you're a de facto a Gryffindor." Upon seeing the scandalous looks on the other Heads' faces, she backtracked quickly. "Until, of course, we determine your aptitude. We shall sort the rest of you tomorrow. You're all dismissed!" Nobody moved. In fact, for most of the wizards in the room, the events of the last few minutes hadn't properly sunken in yet. "You heard me! Dismissed!" A small first year tentatively raised her hand. "Um... what about the people who haven't been sorted yet? Which tower do we sleep in?" This was a fair point to which Professor Mcgonagall didn't have an answer to. She cracked. "Wherever! I really don't care at the moment. Just... GO AWAY!" The children all scrambled. It would not be until the next morning that they could finally make sense of the events of the first day.

The Headmaster of Hogwarts put his head down and massaged his temples.

_The Sorting Hat had caught on fire. The Sorting Hat had caught on fire!_ Albus Dumbledore ran the words through his considerable brain again. Nothing. His mind couldn't comprehend it. He tried again, this time slower. The Sorting Hat had caught on fire. The Sorting Hat had caught on fire. It had caught on fire! No matter how many times he ran the words through his mind, he couldn't bring himself to care. _Alistair was an old, magical artifact. You should be mourning his passing! _But his sensible side replied, _My beard hair is an old, magical artifact. And I don't give a (#$ when I trim it everyday _**(rated K story, have to cut out profanity)**. His argumentative side mulled over the point and promptly shut up.

When he looked up again, he found the hall mostly empty. A single student remained. He was looking at Dumbledore funnily.

"Who are you?" Dumbledore wearily asked.

"Harry Potter, sir."

Dumbledore squinted at him.

"Say, are you the kid who set my Sorting Hat on fire?"

"You're welcome."

Dumbledore opened his mouth, and then quickly closed it as he realised he had nothing to say.

"Um..." he blubbered. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he spouted out the first thing that came to mind. "Would you like a lemon drop?"

Harry raised an eyebrow.

Severus Snape was the first to recover his wits. "Potter! You have desecrated a precious, magical artifact. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Harry looked him in the eyes and promptly said, "In the words or Roald Dahl, My dear old fish, go boil your head."

**A/N I am well aware that I have made some grammar errors. Sadly, I don't have a beta reader, so the occasional mistake is to be expected. Anyhow, I experimented with a different way of storytelling in this part. Feedback would be appreciated! **


	4. Chapter 1, Part 3: Scandalising Snape

**MIGRATED! New pen name: Neophytewriter**

**Storyteller:** It was a sad, sad day. Harry had to go to detention with Professor Snape. Poor, poor guy… I'm talking about Snape, of course. The poor man should consider himself lucky if he escapes this ordeal with his sanity.

Harry strolled through the dim halls, humming quietly to himself. His first day at Hogwarts had been extremely amusing so far. The only minor blemish on his jovial attitude was that he was being sent to detention.

He looked at his map.

He looked at his detention card. _Room 341_, it read.

He looked at the door. _Room 341_ was marked out in bold, dark letters.

Underneath the bolded words read a small notice.

"_The Grand Toilet of Severus the Awesome_

_Flushing out cr*ppy students since 1971_

_Rules: _

_1\. Obey me at all times_

_2\. Join the dark side_

_3\. Do not call me Snivellus (if you value your life)_

_5\. You didn't notice I skipped 4_

_6\. You're checking now_

_7\. You are amused_

_8\. You're not allowed to be amused. Report to me for a 1-hour detention period. _

_9\. If your name is Harry James Potter, go f*ck yourself_

_10\. By the way, your father is an idiotic git. Lilly deserved better. _

Snape would have probably been excused from the Potter treatment if it hadn't been for those last two rules. Nearly an hour later, he would be sobbing in his chair, wishing he hadn't written the jibes.

Harry strolled in. "Hey, Snivellus! What's up?" he called.

Snape looked murderous. "Sit down, Mr. Potter." he drawled. Harry sat.

Severus: "I suppose you know why you are here today?"

Harry: "Actually, I don't."

Severus: "Oh, really?"

Harry: "Your nose is greasy."

Harry smiled internally. Operation traumatize Snape has commenced.

Severus: "Mr. POTTER! Add another hour of detention, and twenty points from Gryffindor! As I was saying, you are serving detention for-"

Harry: Aw… but mommy! You can't do that! I'm your kid!"

*Fawn eyes*

Severus: ...what?

Harry: *Snuggles up into Snape*

Harry: See, I knew you couldn't do that to your little tush-tush!

Severus: WHAT ARE YOU-

Harry: Shhh….. *Puts a finger to Severus's mouth, shushing him* Now, let's be a good boy, little Snivellus...

Snape opened his mouth, but couldn't move his vocal cords. Harry had charmed them still. Snape reached for his wand, and found it wasn't in its usual socket. Harry had disarmed him.

"_Petrificus Totalus!_"

Snape was frozen in position, his eyes wide.

Harry stood, still smiling at Snape, and wiped the grease off his nose. It took several napkins. Harry grinned evilly. "What's this? You forgot to take your daily bath? Bad Snivellus!"

Snape could only fume as Harry slapped him.

"Here's a little bad sticker, to remind you next time."

Harry conjured a large, star-shaped sticker with the words, "_I've been a bad boy_", and slapped it onto Snape's forehead.

"That's charmed with irremovable glues. Teaches you to remember to take a bath! Now I have to give you one."

Harry pulled out his camera.

"Hi, I'm Harry Potter, here to document Professor Snape as he takes the ice bucket challenge!"

Snape was practically foaming at the teeth.

The bucket came, completely dousing him and all of his papers.

This was the final blow. Snape blacked out.

"_Ennervate_"

Snape woke up to a grinning Harry Potter.

"Hi, Prof! I just wanted to let you know that I have just uploaded the video to youtube. Also, I used Legilimency to uncover some other nasty and fun memories! These have already been recorded-"

Harry tapped his laptop.

"So, yeah! You are to pretend this never happened, or I'm uploading THESE to Youtube as well. The body-bind curse should wear off in a few. Ta-ta!"

And with that, he leapt out the window

**Storyteller: So... that happened... **

**Please review and tell he how I did! This is my first traumatization chapter, did I get it right? :)**


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